Wearables Get Weird, Lovely Sex Tracker And ‘Coach’ Aims To Put Swag In Your Shag

I may have been wrong about the wearables market. Here's the thing, I still don't think smartwatches are the the next big thing, to borrow a line from Samsung, and I don't see fitness bands being the thing that companies like Apple and Google throw their full weight behind. But what I hadn't considered is that "sex sells" and that of course someone would come up with a wearable for wee wees.1 How lovely.

Actually, make that Lovely, with a capital "L" to describe the smart wearable sex toy for couples. That's how it's being pitched on crowdfunding site Indiegogo, where the goal is to reach $95,000. There are 26 days remaining, with nearly 250 backers having pledged over $29,000 towards that goal in the past 10 days. Quite frankly, I'm surprised it isn't higher2 though as word spreads, I have a feeling this wearable will reach its goal.

Lovely Wearable

So, what exactly is Lovely? It's a teardrop shaped toy made of silicone that slips over a man's manhood. It sits tight on the base to promote "strong and longer lasting" wood by restricting blood flow, and also vibrates, you know, for her pleasure. Or him, actually -- this isn't a device strictly for straight couples.

It's a one-size-fits-all gadget3 that's waterproof and has a battery life of seven hours, or two hours with vibration turned on. There are also sensors inside. This is so Lovely can monitor your movements during sex and send that data to an accompanying mobile app via Bluetooth. And that's where things get fun.4

Based on the data gathered, Lovely will offer personalized tips and suggestions on how to have better sex. We're not sure what the totality of that will be, though among the ideas will be new positions from a database of over 120 to keep things interesting. Have a look, and try not to snicker.

Lovely App

For you fitness freaks, the app will also tell you how many calories you burned,5 in case you want to incorporate nookie into your exercise regime. And yes, it will tell you how long your sex session lasted, plus other kinds of interesting data, like your top speed, g-force, and history of previous encounters.

The company doesn't touch on privacy, which is obviously a concern with the amount of detailed information it tracks. Or perhaps not, if your stats are really good.

In any event, Lovely is scheduled to ship in May of next year if it gets funded, and barring any unforeseen production problems. It will sell for $169 MSRP, though you pick one up through Indiegogo for $149 plus shipping. Stay tuned for the footnotes below...
Superscript notation and key:
1. Yes, I am three years old, thanks for asking.
2. That's what she said (sorry, couldn't resist -- see above).
3. Insert joke about the makers of Lovely not having met you yet.
4. Or awkward.
5. "Hey honey, I shouldn't have ate that extra slice of cake. I guess we'll have to have sex again tonight."