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"Never, ever go to sleep under a Clydesdale with the hiccups?" NO.....Never go to sleep under a Clydesdale with "the Trots"! For those? http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=the%20trots
I second paint.net for graphics work, or irfanview if you just need a great viewer with minimal editing capabilities. CDBurnerXP: http://cdburnerxp.se/ for burning CDs if ever a need for something with more control than XPs built-in capabilities, it can also make bootable CD/DVDs and burn ISO images...