No joke threads here since 2004  so here goes,

RealNeil

___________________

An wealthy 87 year old man went to see his doctor for a checkup.
He told the doctor about the 23 year old woman he had wooed and who's hand he had won in marriage.
He bragged of his virility, and that she was 7 months pregnant with his twins.

His doctor paused for a moment and then said that he wanted to tell the old guy a story,..........

One day, not long ago, a man decided to go Bear hunting. 
Being more than a little absent minded, he mistakenly grabbed an Umbrella instead of his Shotgun on the way out the door.
While tramping around in the woods, he came upon a huge Grizzly Bear. The bear charged him and he went to shoot the Bear, discovering that it was the umbrella in his hands.
He quickly opened and closed the umbrella and shouted "BANG!" Killing the bear instantly,..........

The old man interrupted the doctor at this point and hollered, "No Way!,...Someone else had to shoot that Bear!"

The doctor replied, "That's EXACTLY my point!"

LOL That was a good one. 

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business

they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

'These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,

'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you.''

LOL realneil

Transam, i didn't get the first one. The second one was alright...

Inspector:

i didn't get the first one

It was the golfer's wife's funeral.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Frank."

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

                         1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . ..'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.      

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,

San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . .  I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient. 

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,

Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her

reporting to the rest of the family that he had

died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up

appointment with his cardiologist, he informed

me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with

one of his medications.

Which one?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...

The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,

Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,

I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .

'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- 

Corvallis , OR

6. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room

when a young woman with purple hair styled

into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting  a variety

of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,

entered . . . It  was quickly determined that

the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was

scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating

table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had

been dyed green and above it there was a

tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon

wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,

which said 'Sorry . . . had to  mow the lawn'

Submitted by RN no name,

                     AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..

   8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. 

I was quite embarrassed when performing female

pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment

I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing

and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said.  . .

' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down

her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..

' No doctor  but the song you were whistling was . . .

' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .'

   Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was ***-fed or bottle-fed.

'***-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

 She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

 Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,    But I'm glad I came.  .......

 In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips.

The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

"Don't sell that cow."

An overweight man who had almost given up on trying to get in shape, came across an ad for a new workout routine designed specifically for men and guranteed to work.

The man called the number in the ad and signed up for this new revolutionary workout.

The next day, his doorbell rang, and when he opened the door there was a beautiful woman pointing to her shirt that simply said "F*** Me" The man was baffled... but did as he was instructed. This went on for about a week and he was noticing results.

 Week 2, His doorbell rang again. This time it was a new woman, again pointing to a shirt, but this one said "If you can catch me, you can F*** me"

"This is the best workout plan ever!" the man thought, After hours of chasing this women, he finally caught her, and earned his "prize". This too went on for a week.

Week 3, the door bell rang once again. The man raced to the door, now being in great shape and very excited to see what was next! He opened the door and to his dismay stood the nastiest, meanest, ugliest, angriest gorrila you've ever laid eyes on, and he was wearing a shirt that read "If I Catch you, you're f***ed"

A nicely dressed elderly man and a vibrant, sexy young lady go into an affluent jewelry store on a Friday afternoon. He expansively tells her to pick out anything that she wants. She gushes and sets out on a mission to find the best that the store has on display. She picks out a ring and the man says to the proprietor, "Don't you have anything nicer than this?" The proprietor goes into the back and gets the REALLY expensive tray of rings out. The lady picks a fantastic ring from this tray and the man tells the proprietor that he's aware that the banks are closed, so he'll write a check for the ring and let the store hold it and the ring for the remainder of the weekend until the check clears on Monday. An agreement is made and the Old guy leaves with a VERY happy lady at his side.

Monday morning the Store calls the old guy and says, "You don't have any money in this account!"

The old guy says, "Yes, but let me tell you about my weekend!"

Michael wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.

One day Michael got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Michael said I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.  So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.  He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.  Finally, after an hour and a half, the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The *** had all Pennies!'

^ROFL!!!

transam02:

'That's nothing' said the other husband,

'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said....

 

'From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you.''

Now that was funny I dont care who you R thats funny!!  Well I got to go my wifes down at the fire station!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ 

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. 

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.” 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” 

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

___________________________

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”. 

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I don't have to outrun the lion, I just have  to outrun you !”

____________________________

One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.

When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"

At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"

And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend, now that he's a Harley Rebel, decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and unbutton her shirt. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word!

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and also has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October
1995. 

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse Skippy. It's your call,..........

Heard that last one before. Still makes me laugh.

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The Race

There was a man named Cletus that lived in a small town with only one traffic light. Cletus had saved up his money and bought a mo-ped. One day Cletus was at the light waiting for it to turn green when a shiny new Corvette convertible pulled up next to him. Cletus had never seen anything like this in his life. The Corvette had its top down so Cletus leans over the side of the car and starts checking out the interior. This annoys the driver of the vette so when the light turns green he steps on the gas, laying down rubber as he leaves the intersection. He gets up to 60mph when suddenly Cletus flies by him on his mo-ped. The driver of the vette says to himself "This clown wants to race".  Shifting into 4th gear he steps on the gas again. He leaves Cletus in his dust as he gets up to 100mph. Then out of nowhere he sees Cletus coming up fast in his rear view mirror. He can't believe it as Cletus flies by him again on his mo-ped. The driver of the vette shifts into 6th gear and floors it. He passes Cletus and gets up to 150mph! Once again, Cletus passes him like he's standing still. Shocked, the driver of the vette pulls over to the side of the road. He hears gravel flying and brakes squalling as Cletus pulls up next to him. The driver of the vette congratulates Cletus on winning the race and asks him what kind of an engine he has in his mo-ped. Puzzled Cletus replied "Race? I was just trying to get my suspenders off of your side-view mirror."

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.  He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.

"It's not a gong.  It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock?  Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied.  He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed ...

"You azzhole!  It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

Choosing A Wife A man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among three wifely candidates. He decides to give each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first woman does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, and buys several new outfits and dresses-up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed. The second second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She buys him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third woman invests the money in the stock market where she earns-back several times the original $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man is impressed. So the man thinks for a long time about what each woman has done with the money he's given them, and he ends-up marrying the one with the biggest bazookas. Men are like that, you know! More money is being spent today on booob implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobz and strong erections, with absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?’

The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it’s the senior’s turn. He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

lol Neil, that's hilarious! Keep 'em coming!